


Hogwarts Confessional

by wendymarlowe



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: CW: transphobia, Snark, grumpy author, vaguely RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:07:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24582055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wendymarlowe/pseuds/wendymarlowe
Summary: HOGWARTS CONFESSIONAL, the talk show where we learn deep secrets about our favorite wizarding war heroes! Featuring a lot of snark and grumpiness over JKR being a TERF.
Comments: 21
Kudos: 99





	Hogwarts Confessional

Minerva McGonagall: Hello, and welcome to HOGWARTS CONFESSIONAL, the talk show where we learn deep secrets about your favorite wizarding war heroes! Headmaster, would you like to go first?

Albus Dumbledore: *deep breath* I would like to announce… that I’m gay.

[pan to complete lack of shock on anyone’s faces]

Dumbledore: I know this comes as a surprise, but--

Severus Snape: It’s really not.

Hermione Granger: The fashion sense kind of gave it away.

Harry Potter: You wear a LOT of pink and purple and glitter for a straight wizard, just saying.

Minerva McGonagall: Bit anticlimactic, that revelation. Next up - Hermione?

Hermione Granger: I realized halfway through seventh year that Ron and I were a terrible match, but by that point we were already an item and I wasn’t sure how to get out.

Harry Potter: You married him, though?

Hermione Granger: Well, yes. Of course.

Harry Potter: You could… you could have NOT married him. As another option.

Hermione Granger: I didn’t think of that.

Severus Snape: I thought you were “the brightest witch of your age.”

Hermione Granger: Heteronormativity, though.

ALL: Ahhhh.

Hermione Granger: Also, I’m Black.

Harry Potter: What the f--

Minerva McGonagall: One confession at a time, everyone. Severus, you go next.

Severus Snape: In a stunning reversal of my “complete bastard” personality from the first six books, I’m actually a misunderstood tragic hero struggling against low self-esteem and a broken home.

Hermione Granger: Those aren’t exclusive, you know.

Severus Snape: Pardon?

Hermione Granger: You can be a complete bastard AND from a broken home. Lots of people manage it, actually. Perpetuating the cycle of violence isn’t an excuse for being a bully.

Harry Potter: Your obsession with my mum was more than a bit creepy, honestly. Like, a LOT creepy. And you never did manage to apologize for everything before dramatically dying.

Albus Dumbledore: He has a point, Severus. You may have spied on the Dark Lord for me but you were still horrendous to three-fourths of the student population.

Severus Snape: They deserved it.

Minerva McGonagall: *clears throat* Right, then. Moving on. Mr. Potter?

Harry Potter: Um. So I haven’t actually told anyone this, but… I’m trans. I mean, I know I never objected to the “boy” part of “the boy who lived” out loud, but that’s because there were other things going on. Now that the series is done and most of the transphobic audience has moved on, I’d like to be referred to as “she/her” going forward--

JK Rowling: *runnings out from the wings, screaming unintelligibly* HOW DARE YOU

Harry Potter: What--

JK Rowling: I MADE DUMBLEDORE GAY, I MADE HERMIONE THEORETICALLY BLACK, I RETOACTIVELY DECIDED THAT ANCIENT WIZARDS POOPED WHEREVER THEY WANTED AND JUST VANISHED THE EVIDENCE, BUT IN A FANTASY WORLD WHERE PEOPLE CAN LITERALLY JUST TAKE A POTION AND CHANGE THEIR ENTIRE BODY INTO SOMEONE ELSE IT’S TOTALLY UNREASONABLE TO IDENTIFY AS THE OPPOSITE GENDER.

Hermione Granger: It’s not “opposite” so much as “another,” since there are more than two opti--

JK Rowling: SHUT UP OR I’LL ANNOUNCE THAT YOU’RE ALL DEAD NOW!

Minerva McGonagall: That sounds a little extre--

ALL *suddenly die*

[cut to credits]


End file.
